Grief, doomscrolling and the mother of all writer’s blocks…

Procrastination is the thief of time, said Dickens. I think that writers are more aware of the passage of time that most, when they aren’t writing that is.

I’m trying to get back into it after over two years of not writing anything meaningful. The aftermath of losing a partner was not what I expected. After all, she had lived six years with cancer so I knew what was coming or, at least, I thought I did. The stages of grief for me were total numbness then a heaviness that one person described as ‘having swallowed a large black heavy stone’. After two years the stone is still there. I’ve come to the conclusion that’s it’s not going anywhere so I’ll just have to learn to live with it which is probably a step in the right direction for me.

So what did I do when I wasn’t writing? Yes, like many of us, I fell down the black hole of doomscrolling and there is certainly enough doom about to scroll through. It didn’t make me feel any better though, it just made the black stone heavier. Hate seems to be everywhere, spurred on by evil actors who seem to delight in setting people against each other. The USA has become schizophrenic with Trump and his coterie stirring the pot of hate as fast as they can and people seem to lap it up. Religious psychosis is rampant with mad people proclaiming Trump as being Jesus and this being ‘the end of days’. Who knows but they might be right?

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It’s been quite a while…

…since I last posted. I lost my wife just over six months ago and I have felt as if I’ve been at the bottom of a deep dark hole ever since. I have hardly put together a sentence although I now have all the time in the world to write. However, I am trying and this post is my first step in that direction.

This picture has special meaning for me. As my wife and I had both gotten older, one of our favourite things to do in the evening was to light a load of candles and then, in the snug warmth of their glow, we would talk. We had been together over thirty years but we could still talk for hours on end. Many of the plots for my books came out of these candle lit discussions. I miss that.

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The Sound of Silence…

I haven’t posted anything for a few months. I just couldn’t find the words to say.

After a long illness, my wife and partner for well over thirty years, died a few months ago. Even though we knew what was coming, it was still a shock and one that I don’t think I’ll ever get over.

My favourite times during our life together were when we settled down for the evening and talked over a glass of something. We would talk for hours about this and that and I never got bored with anything she had to say. Even after thirty years she could still surprise me. Now it is just silence. The utter finality of death is the hardest thing to take.

Kathleen encouraged me to write and was the first and best reader of all my books. She was never afraid to criticise my work and my books ended up being all the better for it. Mac Maguire is as much hers as mine. She was a selfless, caring person and, amazingly, stayed positive throughout the whole of her journey with cancer. This made it easier for her doctors, nurses and carers and for me too.

I now feel unmoored and desperate at times but I know that my life was all the better for having known her.

God bless you, Kathleen…

Kathleen Bridget McGuire

November 1960 to November 2023